Saying “Yes” to the Horse’s ‘No’

Trainer Mary Miller-Jordan of I AM HERD Mustang Sanctuary says truly listening to the horse opens a whole world of conversation.

By Debbie Elliot

Every moment we spend with our horse is an opportunity to start a conversation, and the tone of that conversation is essential for our ongoing relationship. Is it confrontational? Is it passive? Are you actively listening to what your horse is telling you, and responding constructively?

Mary Miller-Jordan, trainer and founder/executive director of the I AM HERD Mustang Sanctuary in Kelly, N.C., emphasizes the importance of noticing the subtle cues your horse gives you to indicate they are uncomfortable with or uncertain about a request, and then responding with patience and understanding to make the partnership flourish.

“If we want to have a better relationship with our horse, then we must learn to become better listeners,” Miller-Jordan said. She describes her training method as “saying ‘yes’ to the horse’s ‘no,’” and she has used her decades of experience training wild Mustangs to educate equestrians on how to better communicate with their domestic horse partners.

“Wild horses see everything and they ignore nothing. No one knows ‘horse’ quite like a wild horse,” Miller-Jordan explained. “Their ‘no’ can be as tiny as a shift in weight, or as sharp as a well-aimed kick. I had to learn to listen better to wild horses’ subtle ‘no’ and then I had to learn to say ‘yes’ in a way they could hear me.”

She went on to say that it is incredibly important to refine this level of communication, because saying “yes” to your horse tells them they do not need to escalate their “no.’” This shows the horse you are actively listening, and is the threshold to two-way conversation.

Just as she learned to interpret the millions of subtle signals Mustangs give her, Miller-Jordan encourages horse owners to really take notice of what their horse is telling them. “When I do relationship-building clinics with people and their horses, the goal is to be able to become better listeners, so we see these things before the horse needs to buck, bolt or any of those big and more dangerous ways of getting our attention,” she said. “If we can learn to listen and show the horse we heard them, it really shifts everything in the relationship.”

What is a subtle ‘no’ our horses might use that we often ignore?

One way horses communicate is by shifting their weight. “Simply observe which leg they are loading,” Miller-Jordan advised. “A horse will often load more weight in the foot that's away from you if they're uncertain. It is a very subtle ‘no’ that is easy to see and easy to miss.”

Remember the ways a horse says “no” can be different from horse to horse. For example, a subtle “no” that Miller-Jordan says her young Mustang partner, Abe, does is simply a tilt of his head. “I call it Abe’s ‘owl ears,’ as owls actually have asymmetrical ears, so one ear is higher than the other,” she said. This helps them judge both the direction and height of a sound, allowing them to locate prey in darkness.

“Abe has struggled with a fear of tiny noises approaching his body,” Miller-Jordan explained. “When he turned on his owl ears I knew to pay attention. If I missed it, he would follow with his big “no” — a swift strike of his hoof with scary accuracy.”

It is important to recognize what your own horse’s subtle “no” action is, then you can learn to respond accordingly.

When a horse thinks you do not hear their initial “no,” they may escalate the situation. This is not only dangerous but also makes it difficult for the horse to learn new things in that state of mind. When a horse is striking at a scary noise, they are reacting; they are defending, and; they are using old, pre-existing neural pathways to make instant, reflexive decisions, Miller-Jordan explained. This is not a mindset where the horse can learn new things;, it is a place where the horse is using old methods they learned in the past to survive. Horses (and humans) need to feel safe to learn new things. When the horse is communicating within the subtle “no” — and they feel heard — they are in a state of mind where they can learn new things.

“If we only start listening after the horse is screaming ‘no’ then we are already behind in the conversation,” Miller-Jordan said.

How do we respond when the horse says no?

“This is the saying ‘yes’ part,’” Miller-Jordan revealed. “This is how the horse knows you heard them. It’s saying, ‘I see there's something going on that makes you uncomfortable, and I am recognizing that. You do not need to get louder, I am listening.’”

She explained that one way to say “yes” is to simply stop asking them to do whatever it is they were saying “no” to. “It can be that simple, but it doesn’t end there,” Miller-Jordan said. “Now you move into the ‘maybe’ space. It’s in this space that the ‘no’ has the potential to turn into a ‘yes.’ This is also where the conversation becomes very dynamic.”

She advises paying attention to what the horse does after you say yes. “Often, they will be holding a degree of tension,” Miller-Jordan said. “If so, then simply wait, be patient, remain present, and make space for them to release. You may see an eye blink, a shake of their neck, a touch of their muzzle to the inside of their knee, or an endless array of other releases.”

Sometimes the horse will begin to release but then they need the human to step further away to go deeper. “This is part of the conversation. If you think you felt something, acknowledge it through creating a little more space between you and your horse,” she continued. At first, it may seem like searching in the dark, but trust your instincts. The horse is already aware of your emotions, and you can become aware of theirs too.

“They may have just needed a moment to process your request,” Miller-Jordan said “Many times, after you say ‘yes’ to a subtle ‘no’ they will let out a release and you can simply ask again. This time they are more prepared, they know what to expect, they are not holding their breath, and it is easier for them to say ‘yes’ back to you.”

An example of a common struggle with domestic horses is bridling.

“I cannot count the times I have seen a horse trying to avoid the bridle at all costs, by tossing their head or holding it high above the person,” Miller-Jordan said. “These are all ways of saying ‘no,’ but often the person simply struggles to get the bridle on anyway.”

Instead, she suggests seeing bridling as an opportunity to have a conversation. “Observe the horse from the first moment you are arranging the leather in your hands. Do they become tense at the sight of the bridle? Are they loading their weight in the leg away from you? Are they turning their head away from you?” she asked. “The slightest tension, the smallest shift in weight, or the tiniest glance of the eye are all subtle ways the horse communicates.”

“If we want to have a better relationship with our horse, then we must learn to become better listeners.” - Mary Miller-Jordan

If you are arranging the bridle in your hands and your horse becomes tense and says “no,” simply pause to say “yes, I hear you,” according to Miller-Jordan. “But do not freeze, make sure you are breathing, and then pay attention to your horse’s releases,” she stressed. “The information you can gather in this space is very important. What exactly were you doing when their first subtle ‘no’ happened? Trace back the process of bridling into every small step, so that you can identify which step is a concern for your horse, such as the smell or feel of the bridle. Listen closely and do not miss the opportunity for a constructive conversation.”

As your communication deepens, the process of saying “yes” to your horse’s “no” will still occur, but it will be more subtle. Many people are only able to see the horse’s “no” when it is as obvious as a kick. Equestrians can learn to recognize the subtle ways a horse can say “no,” such as the shift in weight that might come before the kick. As we practice truly learning to listen to our horse, we move into an even more advanced place where we can communicate with their thoughts as they are forming, even before a shift in weight.

“This conversation becomes so soft and intimate, that you hardly see it from the outside, but you can tell it is happening through the seamless connection between horse and human,” Miller-Jordan said. “Master equestrians are doing this every time they slightly open their hand on the rein, every time they do a subtle shift with their own center of gravity to support the horse’s balance, or anytime they are even near the horse.”

Don’t be afraid to ask

Miller-Jordan believes that we can get stuck in thinking things have to be a certain way, and then can become afraid to ask for things to be different.

She recommends not being afraid to ask your trainer for a lesson on listening in specific contexts, such as an entire lesson around bridling and truly paying attention to how the horse is communicating throughout the process. “This would be such a valuable learning experience that would transfer to everything else with the horse,” she said. “Anyone can be the one to ask for something different. The truth is the horse is already asking for a two-way conversation. They are asking every time they walk away when they see the halter. They are asking with every subtle ‘no’ they offer. They just need us to listen.”

Riding isn’t just about learning form and position. It is about recognizing the horse as an active partner. “If you are always missing the horse’s subtle ‘no,’ then you miss the opportunity to develop a more meaningful relationship, one that both you and your horse partner can enjoy,” Miller-Jordan concluded.

Photos: Ivy Starnes, Dr. C. Mike Tomlinson, US Equestrian